I said yes, as it’s one publication I love & for once, it’s not fashion centred. It’s about people, it’s about their stories, it’s about emotion. I was thrilled. The first time we talked she told me it would be a phone based interview, which made me nervous. I love writing, I love being able to choose my words. Not necessarily because I need to control what I’m saying, or I’m being too honest when I don’t have time to think about my answers, but because the manner & shape in which I give them is important to me. I work with & use English so much that I no longer think in Romanian – so that’s problematic when talking freely, my answers become a nice peanut butter & jelly toast of RomGlish, a habit my fellow Romanians hate. That and I’ve got many words I repeat obsessively and that’s kind of annoying too. The turnout with my fears about my speech is really funny, but more about that later.
The first time we talked was more about who I am, what I like, what motivated me to start The OutsiderZ – basic stuff. Her voice was really calm and soothing so I started feeling comfortable pretty fast, not choosing my words and not thinking too much before giving an answer. Each call got heavier and heavier, as Irina prodded deeper at old wounds and trauma I haven’t thought of in such detail up until then. She made me remember memories I had buried deep within, she catapulted me back when I was bullied, back when I was bulimic. It was so much harder than I had anticipated. Initially I thought it would be an interview just like any other interview, however, if I’m being honest, there were times when I wanted to tell her that I can’t do this anymore. Because I scraped at those painful memories during the hours we talked, but then the memories that had surfaced would stick with me. I was suddenly feeling tired all the time, sad for no apparent reason and I didn’t have the motivation/energy to do anything. I just wanted to sleep all the time and not think about anything at all.
I pushed through with it, though. I hate being a quitter. And those were traumas and wounds that I had to face, for real, in order to be able to move on. So I did and I still do. Even though reliving all those moments was incredibly painful at times, that process also helped me realise some things about myself and the people around me as well. My relationship with my mother, for one, that was a really rocky one up until a few years ago. I grew up blaming my mother for my self esteem issues and this is one of the things that I realised while giving this interview. That is was not her fault, they were my insecurities that I was projecting and interpreting wherever she said so it would hurt me. So I could blame her and not face the fact that I was really to blame.
I am a master when it comes to avoiding pain and feelings, especially talking about them. It’s easier like that. But is it healthier on the long term? This experience showed me that it is not and it’s something I really wanted to share with you. It’s hard to open old wounds, but once you identify why they’re still hurting you, you have a chance to figure out how to truly move on. Let’s stop talking in metaphors and wounds and stuff. If you have a fridge that’s broken, does it really help if you just put a nice blanket over it to cover it up and just live like that from then on? Not really, you can’t see it anymore, however you still can’t store your food. Whereas if you deal with it & fix it, you’re back on track.
But what’s the title got to do with anything we’ve talked about until now, right?
After the interview was published online, there were, as always, a ton of mixed reactions. Some people loved it, some hated it. Nothing new here. But, for once, the people who hated it hurt me. It hurt me because this was not just some interview for me. It’s a piece of me and believe me, I probably hate this cliche more than you do, but it is. Baring myself the way I did for this interview was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I am at my most vulnerable in it. And people started trashing it for the fact that I mix some English words in, or that I use “super” a lot. Or claiming that I never was bulimic. Or that people like me encourage obesity. What hurt the most is the fact that today we are bombarded with so so so many beautifully wrapped nothings (forme fara fond), that when you find something so raw & real, you start nitpicking at how it’s packaged.
It made me feel really sad & disappointed, however after a while I slapped myself back to reality. It’s on them, not on me. You’re only as much as you can understand. If from my whole life experience up until now, my pain, my struggles, all the bullying, what bothers you most is that I use “super” a lot, well, pardon my French, but fuck off.
This is not a pity party. It’s a perfect example of how, no matter what you do, if it really matters, there will be people who will hate you. Regardless of how much soul, how much of yourself you put in it, there will be someone who will shit all over it, for no reason. You can’t force people to put themselves in your shoes, to feel empathy, or to be decent human beings. It’s up to you if you keep doing great things, or you let them bring you down. The bigger you’ll get, the more people will want to bring you down. So, keep your head high gorgeous and you keep on being yourself & doing what you love.